The Ring Around the Moon Looks Like Lighted Love

"So ambition cut you down
'Aint a love as perfect
Everybody knows it
Something drove you down

Something as good
Something as good
Something new
Somebody good
Our ambition cuts you down

There's not a love that's perfect
But I, I live in hope

Somebody good
Somebody new
Something as good
Something that's mine

Ain't a love that's perfect
Everybody knows it
Ambition cuts us down."

-"Ambition" by Doves

I REALLY shouldn't be updating right now, but I've spent the past few hours studying for my big biology test tomorrow and then certain circumstances led me here. I just wanted to be able to let some thoughts out, basically.

My head feels really jumbled at the moment. Which is odd, because I've had A LOT more going on many times before. I guess these things just happen, huh? Well anyway- I feel really anxious about this test. I haven't been doign too well on the quizzes, and I know that my test grades aren't doing much to help my average out. The only source of comfort I have is the fact that I've been doing really well on labs and homework. But too bad all of that is gone, thanks to me losing my whole freakin' biology binder. ALL my notes, homework, quizzes, labs, and tests from the beginning of the quarter- just gone. Poof. Lost. I've spent hours searching the whole entire school. BUT, no luck. Ugh.

So aside from that, and remembering that I have a few more tests and quizzes in other classes to be extremely worried about (WHY THE HELL AM I SITTING HERE AND NOT WORKING??), I'm a little pissed off at my sister. >:o I am referring to Sania, the 2nd oldest in the family, the most cynical and sarcastic, and the one that tries her very best to act as suave and cool as she possibly can. SOMEHOW she found out that I went to Prom (thanks, Mumma) and she's uber mad. Not only because I didn't tell her (I knew what her reaction would be, and I saw no point) but also because she says I'm turning into a "lassie." I have NO idea what the hell that means. I'm assuming it has to do with the fact that I suddenly "care" so much about what everyone else thinks about me.

That's it, folks, I went to Prom because I was worried what everyone else would think of me. Of course, that hasn't been a problem in the past- I've only missed every other fuckin' dance, I've never been to an American party (desi parties consist of eating and gossipping, nothing fun for teenagers ugh), and I have never so much as danced with someone other than my closest friends.

Yah.

I went to Prom because I wanted to. I can't lie to myself like they did all throughout their high school years. They told themselves that they didn't care for such things and that they did not want to go to these school related functions. I, on the other hand, am experiencing a different situation; I am NOT surrounded by family members/other desis/Muslims like they were. ALL of my friends were going to Prom, and I knew that despite what I had been telilng myself for years- I really wanted to go. I really did. I wanted to be a part of something for once, to actually feel like I'm a member of this school and this community. Because otherwise I'm jsut a wanderer, letting the days pass by as I spend my life as a "desi" (but not completely) at home and then an American (but not completley) at school. And it'll make you sad no matter what you do. No matter how accomplished you become.

But what bothers me the most of all is that instead of supporting me and being more understanding, Sania has to become aggressive instead. I don't know how to respond to this: isn't family supposed to stand by you no matter what? Aren't they always suposed to support you? Why do I have to EARN their support? Hell, why do I have to earn their love?

This is just so fucked up. I hate this.

Ugh.

Remember how I promised not to wimp out on this livejournal business? Well, although it took me a good while before I got off my lazy ass, I did eventually fulfill my promise. :D Be proud, girls (i.e. Hanley and Prish) because not only did I change the colors, but I found some cool new icons!! The one that is up right now is my good friend Thom York from Radiohead (w00t!) and I found two other cute ones- a glamorous one of Audrey Hepburn (she's so classical, I adore her) and Tinkerbell (hehehehehe gotta love Disney!).

I'm not too satisfied with the colors, though. I wanted to do something with GREY. I don't know why... I settled with "plum" (or something like it) because that was what Leila, Elsa, and I were originally working with for my myspace page before I settled on a bright red. But I'm still leaning on grey, with GREEN. I like green.

Or maybe I just like color. Hm.

Now that I've gotten this live journal looking prettier, I'm really excited to get it started! I want to make it as personal and private as possible; I need a place of my own, you know? But I will always love my blog; it introduced me to a lot of things (such as writing) and I will never let it go. :D

I'm so pathetic, I'm referring to these things as real, meaningful objects. Like a dog. Or I don't know, a boyfriend. Dang.

Of course, I have been telling myself that I'm pathetic quite a bit lately. I should stop, and I think I will. Starting.... NOW. (bam!)

I hope you find this, Prish! Who knows, you might enjoy my "brouhaha's" (as coined by Farzad). And Hanley, I hope you're proud of me! :D

Hello livejournal world! I'm completely new to this thing; I don't know how to change my icon into a cool picture, I have no idea how to change the background colors, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I'm sick (flu), I sound like a man (bad throat), and I left school to come home (I will be missing tomorrow as well). *le sigh* I'm really bored, and seeing as I have some spare time for the first time since... middle school... I thought I'd update this thing and try to get it going. I finally have a private place to write "journal" entries (my blog was discovered- damn!) and I can vent and curse in peace. And I intend to keep it this way.

So far the only person who knows of this is Hanley- who pushed me into starting one (yay you have a friend now!) and after completely confusing her away message for a real response (about that- keep in mind that I'm pretty drugged up and I really have no idea what the hell is going on 80% of the time), I would not be surprised if she got a little scared and backed off some. Or maybe it's me wondering how the hell I could get SO confused over something so... not confusing.

I'll get the hang of this livejournal thing soon enough. Blogs are easier (I had no problems, the truth) but I'm not going to be a wimp on this. Yah!

But before I go, I think I must mention that while I was watching the O.C. today (whoa) I came across Lou Barlow's "Legendary" (it's a song) being played TWICE on the show! I was so shocked, like OMGWTFALSKFJASK!!! It's a beautiful song, magnificent in it's simplicity. It's a song I want to slow dance to.... *sigh* But I looked EVERYWHERE for the lyrics, and I couldn't find them! Gah!

So I leave you with what I could make out from the song myself:

"I know you’ve given all that you could give to me
I know there’ll come a day, I understand.
Until then I’ll be trying to solve your mystery.
And wonder why I couldn’t make you stay.

Smiling through denial.. my specialty.
I thought that was a good thing for a while.
You gave me all your secrets; were you testing me?
How could I do anything but smile?
Reenact your legendary tragedy
And do to me what has been done to you.
Is that the only point to all this misery?
Is there any reason I should cry?

HEAL... it takes time.
And you gave me all you have.
I know in time, I will believe, that I loved you
Did you love me? Did you love me?

HEAL... it takes time, and you gave me all you have,
I know in time, I will believe. That I loved you, you loved me.
...you loved me."

Lou Barlow... I love your lyrics. And kids, this is the guy before Conor Oberst. He started emo, fer real. Here's a random article, go help yourself. ;)
http://www.magnetmagazine.com/interviews/barlow.html